Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother Living

I am truly fed up
tired
don't want to go on
sick of it all
lonely
bored
broke
unhappy
unsatisfied
frustrated
useless

on the verge of a mental breakdown
ignoring my phones
ignoring my emails
ignoring the door
locking myself up in the dark of my den
and shriveling up into the bed
wallowing in my own self pity and tears

suicide is cowardly
but often wish it weren't so hard
to have the courage to see it through
life can be good
it was so long ago
now it has its moments
none too often and way too few
i want to go back to the day
where there was no worries
and i was just a child
where it all just came so easy
before the con-artists in our life
before the persons now gone
were taken so fast and too soon

i wonder if what i know of life now
if i took it back then to when i was 4
if i could start anew
and return to the status in life I could have been at

instead of wanting to join them in the after

Oh the wonders of another night of Insomnia

So I am sitting here talking to someone who turns out to be amazingly like me .. and he will probably read this in a moment *laugh* but I felt I needed to get it out how refreshing it is to talk to someone without the need to impress.. no need to hide.. no need for anything but to just let the talk flow.

It has been awhile since I have truly been able to freely hold that type of conversation and for it to all come so easy. I hope if anything I have at least made a friend... who I share a lot in common with..

Letter to a friend and a lover

ok .. i was hoping to hear from you yesterday.. i've sent you texts... i've had no response back to my email texts. none here and none on myspace. You have both of my phone numbers and I called you from work on my way home just in hopes I would hear back from you later. i've given you space but still let you know i was here... but i guess i am to assume what we had is over since you are not responding to me.

i'll just have to accept that. and get over it somehow. i really like and enjoy you, probably more than i should have so fast. so it's very hard for me to just say goodbye. but i have to conclude that when i don't hear from you at all and when i sit here 3 nights crying over something that feels is just one sided .. i must suck it up and move on.

If I am wrong and you have just not been able to respond to me, then I hope you will let me know you feel for me too. If not I hope that we can be friends someday as I enjoy talking to you and being your friend... probably more than I enjoyed being your lover.

xxoo

New Year.. pfft big deal

I have written a post about 10 times and every time have messed up on saving it so I will try yet again. Thats what I get for blogging on my mobile and not clicking save.

yeah i can't be bothered so this is whats getting posted.

my mind is shit
my work is yay finally looking for a new job
i need money as no work
help
god.. please help

My Celebrity Look Alike

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A friends issue on trust .. leads me to my realities

I often find it hard to trust people in your "real life" and sometimes often easier to trust people in the "imaginary" life of online and gaming.

But a lot of that stems from well for me personally my inability to come out of my shell. Where I am very personable and forthright online, in person I can be shy. But once I meet those I've met already online its hard to be anything but the real me to them.. I can't be the person who wants to crawl inside her turtle shell and hope that everyone just goes away.

Even the other night at dinner I found myself wanting to retreat to my room away from everyone in my house and just be with me and the people inside this box I talk to everyday.. and write my stories to.. and want to spend time with it because these people here.. they know me .. they dont always look me in the eyes and see the person who's face goes red and who is called a snob for not talking to them...

trust is so easy to gain .. but its so much harder to keep. don't give it away so easily.. but also don't be so stingy with it. just learn to know who is looking to get something out of what you give vs someone who just u being there is all that they want.

All me!

Last Day of Work Before Long Weekend

So yesterday I had to go to one of our site locations and take down both computer systems, relocate them, rewire the office, all this while "construction" was going on around me. They were re-tiling the ceilings, so I was very erm.. surrounded by dust and other crap in the air. Either way, between that and the dirt and dust in the computer systems I was working on... left me nice n allergy sleepy when I got home last night.

It amazes me how people figure if you switch a few wires around then you are done. However, when it comes to networking and sharing of programs it is not always so simple. Especially if you are dealing with computers on different O/Ss and then even further dealing with sharing a DOS based program across those OSs. I have a deadline to meet today which also means I get to set up 5 computers and get all the data I need on them LOL oh and finish up all the file setups for the property that we are opening... I was told I have to meet that deadline yesterday as I was in the midst of making sure the property I was at has a computer at all to work on.

My boss had asked me if I was numb to my job one time. I guess she is right, in many ways I am. I have kinda faced the fact that I cannot possibly express the time it takes to do certain items. Computers are not always so black and white. Almost like people they have their own personalities depending on who programmed them/installed the information. Sometimes what works for one system set-up therefore doesn't work on another due to these differences. I've also grown used to the downtalk and overall bitchiness of a particular someone in my office. So when stuff happens life goes on and I just avoid them like the plague. I love my job to be honest. There are so many things about it that just really are wonderful. The industry in general that I am in and the people who I work with for the most part are what will always keep me there. But certain attitudes are just, cunty. Oh well.. c'est la vie.

On another note, it's now time for me to get ready for work. And as I am listening to my favorite morning show.. "Light Lunch with Gavin Roberts". Gav is a friend of mine in Lincoln, GB, UK. It is not only awesome to wake up to your friend, but even more so when you hear your own voice on the radio. Yeah baby... I'M INTERNATIONAL!!! Gav had me do a jingle for his show and I ended up doing 2 of them since I had fun with the one I threw another in for the hell of it. Ironically thats the one played most. http://www.sirenonline.co.uk/schedule.asp thats the link for the station. They have webcasting so if you hear a sexy sounding American, it's all me!

I'll write more afterwork today I suppose these thoughts for the day aren't completely finished and I just don't have time to complete this.

First Real Blog Posting

OK, I have officially copied over my posts from my other blog I started on Bebo. They were a bit too personal for people who I associate with to read without me really wanting them all to know what goes on in my crazy head.

I need an outlet to express myself, I have never been one for a diary... although I was always good at writing a letter to someone that was an obscene amount of pages and then folding it up and never sending it out. I also used to draw a lot in order to get our frustration and give myself a creative outlet for release.

I am working on a project with someone I am looking forward to spending a lot of time with and hopefully this will only bring us closer as it will be a lucrative enterprise for our future.

Mental Breakdown

getting ready for work .. yet the only thing i can think about is the desire to get out and go. only problem is I want to go for a drive and my destination is not driveable . Seriously need to invest in a plane that can fly international.

anyway, my head hurts as does my heart. they are both confusing the hell out of me. i just don't know what i want anymore. i suppose it wouldnt matter if anyone i cared for or desired were closer in distance.. but instead my mind is there. i find it hard focusing on anything else. i just need to get off my ass and aggressively pursue a job over there, empty out the retirement savings and move.

arrrrrrrgh!

Lost In Thoughts

you know i hate writing my feelings down but it was suggested to me to do so .. so i will just ramble. i don't know whats going on in my head. i love someone a lot but i don't think he realizes or would even dream he could have that kind of love. and i too don't think i could ever have it. we are both so fucked up in our thoughts and emotions and the way life shits on us and both on complete opposite ends of life and current situations in society. i am at a point where i am ready to proceed with my life a future.. but still skeptical at the same time. am very young but the age is there.. i just don't feel am that old other than the reality of it and the responsibilities. sometimes i just wish everything was either more simple or easier attained. i want to just wish myself to where he is and some of my other mates and just be there... instead it costs too much to travel. taxes on tickets are almost same cost as the actual flight. so stuck here i am .. again..